Sex in the Suburbs - Questions answered

The sex lives of college students are intriguing, yet slightly ambiguous so we would like to help you out along that perilous journey you’re embarking on. Check out more answers to any of your questions about sex on our website or on our tumblr http://lets-talkaboutsex.tumblr.com/. Feel free to ask us your own questions as well via the tumblr page or on the Leader’s website, ecleader.org.

Q. “People say they like it rough, but how rough is too rough?”

You have to set boundaries for yourself and your partner. If you’re trying BDSM make sure each of you have a safe word and have set limits beforehand. Actions such as scratching, biting, hair pulling, and ass slapping are usually okay. When it comes to things such as choking, gagging, nipple clamps, or anything along those lines you have to rear on the side of caution. Even though a person might agree initially, halfway through they can realize how much they don’t like it. Being observant and responsive is key. If you get encouragement, keep going. Any hesitation at all, you stop. Remember, sex is supposed to be fun, not painful. On a personal note, I’ve noticed a theme with guys that I’ve dated in the past. It deals with the question, how are penises and political ideologies similar? Don’t know? Well, it’s great that you have one, it’s great that you’re proud of it, but for the love of God please don’t shove it down my throat. I understand that men see this all the time in porn, and it turns them on for whatever reason. But really guys, take my advice: if someone agrees to go down on you, do not force their head down. It could turn them on, but on the other hand they have their mouth on a very precious part of your body and you probably don’t want to piss them off when you’re that vulnerable.

Q. “I’ve always been curious about BDSM. How does it work? How does pain equate to pleasure?”

Ah, BDSM. BDSM stands for bondage and discipline (BD), dominance and submission (DS), and sadomasochism (SM). Now if you’re wondering exactly what BDSM entails rather than what it stands for, here we go. Dominance and Submission: The most mild. In a D/S relationship, one person is the dominant (top) and the other the submissive (bottom). However, D/S relationships, unlike others, are not solely based on physicality, but rather focus on the emotional aspect of relationships (one person controlling the other). Bondage and Discipline: The happy medium. If you’ve ever tied someone down / been tied down or blindfolded someone /been blindfolded, you’ve engaged in bondage and discipline. Sadism and Masochism: The most extreme. This is probably what most of you think of when you hear the term BDSM. This type of relationship is what focuses on the torture / humiliation aspect of the BDSM lifestyle. So if chains and whips excite you, this one’s for you. When engaging in a BDSM relationship, communication is key. While I’ve never gone the whole nine yards, I’ve been romantic with a man who enjoyed engaging in certain parts of this lifestyle. Whenever people hear the term “BDSM” their minds generally go to “Fifty Shades of Grey”. Don’t think that’s what it is. BDSM relationships are about pleasure and excitement for both; it’s not about an emotionally damaged man wanting to beat his partner because it gets him off. If this is something that you think you would be interested in, do your research. There are countless sources to give you all the answers you need. Make sure you know what you want, and make sure your partner understands this as well. As far as the pain equating to pleasure, everyone’s different in that regard. It depends on how sensitive your body is, and how mentally prepared you are for what’s happening. Here’s a basic example: you’re walking down the street and someone smacks your ass. First, That’s sexual harassment and you should call the police, it’s not going to turn you on and it’s probably going to sting a little. However, when you’re having sex and your partner smacks your ass, I’m going to assume most of you like, and/or encourage it. Or, when you have sex after a fight with someone. Is it going to be sweet and romantic? No. It’s hot, it’s passionate, and it’s rough. It’s really all about your mindset here. Now that you have the basic information, really consider what this is before you engage in it. Sure it’s hot to think about, but not everything is as great as you imagine it to be. Like I stated earlier, I’ve been with men that enjoyed engaging in certain aspects of this lifestyle. Sometimes things like this are better left as a fantasy. Not saying that it can’t turn you on to be tied down, but I’m assuming most of you don’t want someone to pour hot candle wax on your chest. Nothing screams “sexy” like second-degree burns on your nipples.